I struggle with the choice between civility - being graceful, well-mannered, polite - and authenticity. Is it a true dichotomy? I think it's only possible to be authentic and polite if one is either purely good, or completely without opinion. Mother Theresa said every time she met someone, she felt Jesus residing inside, and she spoke to each person as if she was speaking directly to Jesus. She seemed nice.
I have a new colleague who has taken me on as a project. I'm fighting it every step of the way. I don't like being fixed. My daughter once spent a day washing every dish as it got dirty to show me how I could better keep the house consistently clean. I told her it'd be great if she spent her days washing up, but I wasn't about to change my once a day dishes habit of 25 years. My colleague doesn't like that I stare at the ground when I walk, and among other things, he insists I should say "hey.." followed by the person's name to everyone I pass. He's wants to train me to be friendly and outgoing, dammit!
He glorifies another colleague who he refers to as the most graceful woman he knows. She's completely vacuous. Sure she's very very sweet. And she's very knowledgeable about her subject area. But it's impossible to have a good, rousing discussion with her on any topic. She has a gift (or annoying habit) of being able to agree with everyone in a room even if each person has a contrary opinion. That's not grace, it's fence-sitting. It's gutless. And I wouldn't ever want to be like that no matter how much this dude likes it, no matter how much everybody likes it. She's loved by all for her agreeable nature. But without conflict, we can't progress out of this mess we're in. We need complainers and riled up people all hot and sweaty to get in the faces of the powers that be. Polite is overrated.
Is it possible to be polite and get stuff done from a lower position in society? I mean if I was wealthy or otherwise influential, I could be sweet as pie and affect public policy. Or if I was wily, charming and manipulative, I could act polite and be effective. But then I'd lose all authenticity. From my place at the bottom, it seems I have to be bitchy to be heard. I have to be a bit of a thorn to get people on, what I consider to be, the right path. It's not to say we can't have civilized conflict, but that being polite and gracious doesn't get us very far on an playing field that's way out of level. I fear civilized conflict between genuine people is possible only between people of equal status willing to listen to one another.
But I can do all that and still greet people politely as I pass them in the halls, right? Yet I find it so goddamn tedious I can't bring myself to keep it up for more than one trip. It's painfully boring to me to say hello over and over again. If this bit of show is what separates us from the animals, I'll happily take my place with the ants, busily working with no efforts made to be constantly sociable. "Can't talk now, I've got to drag this dead fly home". I'm thinking as I walk, and I don't want that thinking necessarily interrupted by a string of meaningless words.
Okay they're not meaningless words in a cultural sense, and they really don't separate us from the many animals who also have gestures of greeting. These little acts string us all together as a society. They keep us buzzing around the same hive. It's the glue that provides some loose solidarity. What if everyone stopped chit-chatting?
But everyone won't stop chit-chatting. There's just a few of us that aren't into it. We're free-riding on the sociability of others. A few deviants are not going to destroy the bonds of the rest of them. And some of these weirdos actually advance society through brilliant innovation as they fail to discuss the weather sufficiently.
And what of greeting people we dislike. Is it just being polite or is it duplicitous? I have a gut repulsion to people who rant about another, then chat them up like they're best buds. It seems dishonest to be friendly with an enemy. It might be kind and civilized, and I've said before, while talking about having affairs, that sometimes it's better to be kind than honest, and yet....
Isn't it just nice to have a bit of quiet once in a while?
I'll repeat a quotation I blogged about over a year ago:
"To be nobody but yourself—in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you like everybody else—means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting." - e.e cummings
I'm shocked and offended that someone, once again, is overtly trying to change the way I live and behave. And I like my own comment on that post - that it's not that I have courage to be different from the crowd, but that my obliviousness to social constructions gives me extraordinary freedom.
And I'm not giving that freedom up for nothing.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
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5 comments:
I found this thought-provoking as I come to this issue from the other side. Being nice, polite and diplomatic were traits completely valued in my family, and there was very little space for anyone to be authentic. If anyone was their authentic self - being late, being rude, being unfaithful, overt emotional outbursts - that was crashingly bad and rent the fabric of things.
My struggle as I get older to become more authentically me and less diplomatic. Living in Germany helps as here people are *frank*. There are strong social codes - you greet people in the street, in shops, whether you know them or not - but you don't have to talk to them any further and you certainly don't have to indicate that you like them if you don't. The main indication that things have progressed to the stage of friendship is when you drop the formal address (Sie) and use the informal one (Du). And that can take years.
I think you might like the German way of things, Sage, where colleagues can stay at the formal address stage for 40 years. The clear differential between what is professional and what is friendship can be comforting. It's certainly more sincere than the Anglo-American way, where everyone has to be best friends to work together and snideness rules.
Germany sounds just right for me. Maybe my German heritage has had more of an influence on me than I thought!
"He's wants to train me to be friendly and outgoing, dammit!"
I despise people like this. Open hostility might shock someone like this to silence. Or make it a point to piss all over what they want out of you.
I can see why you find this guy infuriating, I would too. On the other hand he probably thinks he's being helpful. You did mention in a previous post that you find it difficult to make friends and interact with acquaintances. Instead of seeing this guy as trying to force you to conform, why not treat this as a way to improve your skills in dealing with people? Personally I think greeting everyone you pass is a bit much - but I'm from the UK so maybe it's cultural. When you walk past looking at the floor it's because you're preoccupied. But the way it might come across is that you're distant, unfriendly, even arrogant.
I do get what you mean about authenticity. I'm often torn between causing a scene with someone at work by saying what I think, and saying nothing in order not to make my working life too awkward. The only way I feel I can balance the two things is to choose my moments for speaking out. However I still let things pass that I probably wouldn't have in the past - am I growing up and becoming more tactful and responsible, or am I sacrificing my principles for the sake of my working relationships? I'm not sure.
But I do think that people might be more receptive to my arguments and forgiving of my temper if I'm generally known as a friendly and reasonable person. I know I'm more likely to listen to someone I like and respect than someone who seems unfriendly.
I hate small talk, too. I've probably offended some by my being off in my head, but hell, life's short. I used to worry about it more. Now I just try and make sure I am not too offensive in my avoidance of small talk.
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