Alternative Relationships - Whatever Works

I finally got around to reading Lori Gottlieb's piece, Marry Him!, on settling for any reasonable guy who's good enough, quickly, before you're past your prime. Gottlieb is a single mom in her 40s who seem to regret not having snatched up a mate earlier in the game. The feel I get from the article is that she's a mite lonely.

At one point she comments that her ideal romantic partnership is Will and Grace. They have a history, a camaraderie together, even though the relationship is platonic. And it struck me, that instead of searching out a guy to marry in order to get this type of friendship at home, why not move in with the other single mom she's having a picnic with? If her ideal relationship is platonic, but friendly and funny, someone to share a life with, why does the special someone have to be a man? Really, if hetero sex isn't the main objective, then what on earth does a penis bring to the relationship that's so important that we should all settle for some dork who's rude to waiters rather than move in with our best friend?

With sex out of the way we can develop a good, solid friendship, laugh together, share the workload evenly, and get our sexual needs met elsewhere, like Will and Grace do. In the morning, we can kick the guys out and rehash the previous night over coffee and bagels while the kids play together at our feet.

It's articles like this that really bring it home for me the harm caused by the glorification of heterosexual, monogamous relationships as the end all and be all of life. If hetero monogamy is truly necessary to my happiness, then dammit I want a ring on my finger, and fast. But I just don't buy it. And to suggest to young girls that they should think twice about that obnoxious creep they can barely stand - that's irresponsible. I think having people to love is pivotal to human happiness, but I don't think it has to be a man we love, or even the same man we sleep with. Not having a mate doesn't have to lead to loneliness, that implies a common false dichotomy - either we're married, or we're alone. But there are so many people to connect with in this world, we can be married and lonely or single and much-loved. Some dude we settle for early on, before we get old and ugly, isn't any guarantee of happiness later on.

This brings me to the real point of the post - two other blogs that have written beautifully on alternative relationships. Bitch PhD has a series of post about having a husband and a boyfriend. The dialogs she and her husband have over the issue suggest a profound warmth and caring between them. And recently, Natalia interviewed Ren's husband. He speaks openly about being with a woman who sleeps with men for a living and suggests that intimacy isn't about the groin, but about the head and heart. I think the mainstream majority should be privy to these types of arrangements that can work so beautifully for mature reasonable people in love. We need a sitcom or two that does justice to alternative methods of living and loving together.

As long as people believe they have only hetero monogamy to choose from as a legitimate form of a romantic bond, they will believe they have no options but a life of loneliness or to settle for someone they don't really like when that one magical mate doesn't come knocking.