Sex-Positive Pondering

Okay. I happened upon a post today which led to another and another. And I’m going to address them all and then some. So get some fair trade coffee (or whatever, I can’t see you), and tuck in. I started reading with a link in a round-up at Ms. Jared’s that was inspired by this article by Jessica Valenti that I'm probably the last to hear about.

But first of all, a little about me.

I think I’d be called a sex-positive feminist by rad-fems, but I’m not sure how well I fit that definition. I’ve been reading around and getting different ideas of what it really means. Personally, I prefer the sound of rad-fem. Sex-positive makes me think of HIV-positive. And, as Lauredhel points out, it sets up the opposing team as sex-negative, which, for me, paints a picture of nuns and eunichs, which really doesn’t fit the image of the rad-fems I’ve met on-line at all. What’s the opposite of rad-fem? Moderate feminism? Mod-fem sounds kinda cool, but that doesn’t really make sense either. And isn’t the opposite of the mods, the rockers?

And, of course, the whole thing sets us up in a false dichotomy that doesn’t allow for bridging or overlap which is just silly.

Lauredhel’s concerns with sex-positive feminism: “Any set of ideas that insists that I affirm my personal sexual availability every time I talk about my politics, as not even a footnote but a mandatory adjective, is not for me. What’s liberatory about this?”

And she goes on to use descriptors such as, “look-at-me priority of little black dress feminism” and “smooth-legged cheery L’Oreal-infested.”

See, that’s not it for me at all, and it doesn’t really seem to fit the other sex-positive feminist blogs I read here. I like debating with people without my sexiness being a distraction to the conversation. Luckily, that’s not usually an issue for me. I own a little black dress, but rarely have an occasion to wear it. But I’m not going to the staff Christmas party in a flannel shirt and jeans. I think it’s okay to wear the dress and discuss politics at the same time. And my legs are almost as hairy as my face, which is unadorned save for a stainless steel ring in my eyebrow. So if I’m sex-pos, I’m not the hot kind.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that, in my opinion at any rate. And that’s just it for me. I don’t think being carefully put-together and proud of it should exclude anyone from being taken seriously as a feminist. In fact, that seems like an extraordinarily anti-feminist sentiment.

Lauredhel’s got a good round of comments going. Amanda says what I would say, so I didn’t bother reiterating there. But do check it out.

She links Infinite Thought, who says of Valenti’s article, “Stripped of any internationalist and political quality, feminism becomes about as radical as a diamanté phone cover.”

She and Lauredhel are annoyed that Valenti brackets her many political concerns with talk of beauty image, housework, and good sex. In fact, to Infinite Thought, the mere mention of these personal issues at the beginning and end all but negates the entire middle section of the article. Apparently these are not valid feminist concerns.

But what about that whole “personal is political” thing from way back? Feminism can positively affect so many aspects of life that surely celebrating that a guy shares the second shift at home is important fodder for feminist discourse. As Germaine Greer says in The Whole Woman, “The personal is still political. The milliennial feminist has to be aware that oppression exists itself in and through her most intimate relationships, beginning with the most intimate, her relationship with her body.”

It’s important to the existence of feminism to maintain an awareness that our personal life is ruled by political forces and that the way we live life is a political statement in itself. The fact that my guy has completely taken over the cooking in the house is a BIG FUCKING DEAL. It tells me that feminism is working, a bit anyway. Something shifted just enough within our culture and/or within myself to get more equity in household management.

So how am I sex-positive?

I’m not about being sexy – although I do quite enjoy my body and all it can do. And I’m not into a wide variety of sexual practices. I’m pretty vanilla. And I don’t like watching porn at all. But I do want to stop the infringement of freedom on others which includes being anti-censorship, or, as some would have it, pro-porn.

Before anyone shouts out, “What about the freedom of women coerced into producing porn,” let me say that I also hope we can stop any coercion in any workplace everywhere. I know many jobs in which people are forced to do harmful work they don’t want to do, jobs that endanger their lives without their full knowledge, consent, or understanding of the risks, but I do believe some porn is made with the full consent of the participants.

I was thinking back to the first time I learned of the sex-pos/rad-fem distinction, and it was at Belledame’s place. Twisty had asked, who hasn’t been forced, shamed, guilted, or brainwashed into fucking someone we didn’t want to fuck? There was an implication that if someone asks for sex from you, it can be the same as being raped because women are conditioned to say “yes.” And Belledame attempted some statistical investigation with the question, “Have you been pressured to make out with your gal pal for the benefit of a drooling hetboy?” And I replied, “I’m stuck on the word ‘pressured’.”

The issue for me is, whose responsibility is it if someone bows to pressure – not force or coercion, but pressure. If I ask a favour somewhat forcefully, and you say “yes,” don’t whine later that I made you do it. I expect people I interact with to have the ability to say “no” or to take responsibility for their own inability to speak up unless they're young children. I refuse to accept that the way I ask (without the use of force or coersion) exonerates someone from accountability for the outcome of their own choice to comply with my request. And I take responsibility for my choices too. But I can’t imagine being pressured or shamed or guilted into sex. I say “no” quite easily. There’s plenty of fish out there; no sense wasting a moment with a slippery flounder that smells funny.

And this is where I really break with most rad-fems. I believe we’re free agents able to make our own decisions in life, and responsible for the outcome of our choices. I think it’s demeaning to view women as unable to make choices because of patriarchy. And I think it’s condescending to insist all women who enjoy rough sex or pornography are necessarily sucked into the machine created by male desire. I reject the notion that women are automatons or just too weak to find their own voice. We’re better than that, dammit.

My personal boundary around porn is that no guy of mine can choose porn instead of me, or instead of dishes, childcare, movie night, etc. It’s the same policy I have around fishing, poker, sports, alcohol/drug use, or work. Yup, I think porn-viewing can be habit-forming and even physically addictive, and I think sport-watching can too. But in the context of a loving relationship, I have to come first, or second only to the kids. That’s just a rule that works well for me. Break it, and you’re gone.

When I went away for a weekend, I left behind a Maxim tucked into the covers on my side of the bed. I masturbate to images in my head instead of porn because my imagination is sufficient (and, perhaps, exceptional); so, while in particular cases it can be harmful to relationships, it’s not necessarily harmful. Sports, fishing, work, drinking, poker – they all have the potential for destroying a marriage, but the problem isn’t in the activity, but in the abuse of the activity at the expense of the relationship.

Okay, so I’m pro-porn - as much as I’m pro-sports anyway (which I loathe). But it’s out of a sense freedom of choice for as many people as possible with as little harm as possible to anyone; it’s not to impress the guys (as some imply here and there). I have an imperative existential quest for authenticity which insists on radical free will and personal responsibility for our choices. My feminism is as inclusive as possible. I’m baffled by attempts to exclude anyone who has feminist concerns with body image or housework equity, but I’d never throw the baby out with the bathwater. There are some important ideas out there that need to be heard, even if I don’t agree with them.