Feminism 101

Happy International Woman’s Day!! Happy Blogging Against Sexism Day!! And happy would-be 80th birthday to my mom.

I stole this title from something Ilyka said here. Except I disagree, and I am providing free tour guide services. Right here. One day only. Tekanji has a list of help like this post (40th comment or so), but I thought I’d address a few specific concerns of my own. Here’s my brief instruction manual for some men (and some women) who are absolutely perplexed by feminism.

Some feminists, like Ilyka, believe we shouldn’t have to explain ourselves, and we don't, really. Yet it might be useful in the grand scheme of things. Feel free to add on as you see fit or argue with a section or more. I’m not speaking for all feminists (see question #1), just one. It’s a start. And, sure, this could also be called “Human Beings 101” except that I’m most interested in the actions that affect women and have been affecting women for a really, really long time.

I’ve compiled the following 8 questions from a variety of ideas I’ve gathered around these parts from a few simply curious or seriously confused people:


1. Why do feminists all disagree? Feminism isn’t a movement, it’s an argument!

We all want to raise the status of women to the level of men, to feel safe and respected, and to have a fair and equal chance for all our opinions to be heard. Since the movement is all about choice and the ability to make our own decision that affect us, then it’s necessarily going to be a group fraught with differences. We’re all making our own choices. That’s the commonality. Trying to actively be allowed these choices is the movement. Butting heads along the way from time to time is the reality.


2. Why do so many feminists hate men?

a. Because some of them are scary and mean now or historically.

Many women have suffered at the hands of men. Many have been sexually abused or assaulted, battered, or verbally shoved into a corner. That’s scary. You probably would never think of treating a woman like that, but we can’t know that for sure. As a rape survivor, every guy I meet is a potential threat, guilty until proven innocent. My intellect tells me that most men are kind and won’t think of harming me. My gut says be ready to run. I try to override my instincts with reason, but if I have a few drinks with you, and you sit a bit too close or look at my boobs for half a second too long, I might calmly make an excuse about needing to get home, when it’s possible I’m actually scared out of my tree.

It’s my own baggage. I know, rationally, it has nothing to do with you. And sometimes it helps when the man I love reminds me, “I’m not the one who hurt you, and I would never think of doing anything like that,” but he’s still suspect. His muscles are bigger than mine, and he’s got a dick, so it’s possible he could cause me pain. That's just my reality.

So if a woman appears fearful of you, don’t be annoyed or discouraged. It probably has nothing really to do with you. Back away and reassure her and give her space. Go out of your way to let her know she really is safe. And maybe she won’t hate you so much.

b. Because some of you don’t recognize the privileges you’ve come to expect.

Here’s just one example of this: It’s a very common, normal thing to want to hang out with people who are like you. So when someone’s in a position to hire another person, he’ll likely, naturally, choose someone similar to himself. Because of blatant oppression and discrimination over the centuries, white men have ended up as the bosses, and, on average, they keep choosing other white men to follow in their footsteps. And that sucks for the rest of us.

Recognize you do have a step-up in many arenas. Sure it’s not always the case. Women have an easier time getting custody of the kids, for instance. But it’s often the case. Often enough for some bitterness to creep in there once in a while.

This point also serves as a reminder why it may take a while to be accepted (if ever) by some men and women of colour. Guilty until proven innocent is a good survival mechanism for people who have trusted and burned before.

The key is to stay on track and prove your allegiance over and over basically by being a good person. Of course it’s not your own personal fault that people weren’t treated well in the past, but it’s your own fault if you refuse to acknowledge that reality and expect everything to be on a level playing field for you with everyone you meet. The abusers and invaders looked an awful lot like you (and me), and that’s something that just has to be accepted.


3. Should I open a door for a woman?

I like gentlemen, so I try to be one as often as possible.

If you’d do it for a man, sure. Open it to be helpful, not because we can’t do it ourselves. It’s all attitude. Some women might suspect you’re belittling them because of previous history that has nothing to do with you. Deal.

In a society in which one group regularly belittles another, it forms pretty heavy baggage. Again, you’re guilty until proven innocent. Recognize the way it works and clarify your intent. “I know you’re able to build a deck on your own, but would you like me to hold the end of this board for you?” is much preferable to “Here, here.. let me do that. You’re going to hurt yourself.” If you wouldn’t say it to another man because it’s embarrassingly condescending, don’t say it to a woman.

Same goes the other way around, of course. If you’re putting a diaper on a baby, and a woman’s hovering ready to swoop in to rescue the child, you’ll not feel too respected on this front.

I’ll open your door for you too.


4. What’s with that whole feminist issue of last names? What’s the big deal this that? It's just a name.

When we shifted from a feudal to mercantile society, it became useful to have surnames to keep everyone straight in the burgeoning middle-class.

At the time (and otherwise), one thing that many philosophers discussed is the dilemma of knowing for certain that your children are really your own. Men were mightily concerned that they were feeding and clothing offspring that looked an awful lot like the guy from the neighbouring lot. And that dude might knock on the door, show off a distinguishing mark, and demand the strapping young children, who were made healthy through your own hard efforts, to come work his land for him. What a rip-off.

But a solution was found. Men can ensure ownership of wives and children by branding them with their own last name. Then it doesn’t matter what Joe of the Glen is up to with the misses when you’re out. Any kids she bears are yours outright.

I don’t want to be branded with some guy’s name.

Now that leaves me with another man’s name, my dad’s. But he’s already proven he’s worth the honour of sharing a name. So that’ll do. I know women who’ve suffered abuse at their father’s hands and chose a completely new name to cut off that tradition.

But furthermore, and more importantly to some, why should his line be carried while hers stops with her father? The inequity of women continuing to take their husbands’ names makes no real sense. It’s a nice tradition if you’re big on that, but it’s nothing more. After some negotiation, it’s not important what the last name ends up being, but that the default position isn’t automatically the man’s.


5. Why are feminists so ugly? Get some make-up and a razor into ya!

People choosing to waver from the aesthetic norms of our times only appear ugly to the closed-minded convinced by media that only one correct version of beauty exists. That ideal was different 100 years ago and will likely be different again in 100 years from now. Buying into the vision in flux as universal and permanent, as the only right view, makes no sense.

I like looking like my natural self because it weeds out superficial guys whose ideas are based on conformity and social approval. And I’m lazy. And, hey, if I can get laid regularly without putting an effort in my appearance, why should I bother? But the bottom line really is, believe it or not, I think I look good like this. I actually don’t like the look of lots of make-up or the feel of slippery-smooth legs. It’s a purely subjective determination.

And lots of feminists wear make-up and shave because they have that option. It’s not about narrowing the definition of beauty by excluding personal grooming, but expanding it to include myriad options.

Guys might like to stretch their boundaries too. We can be accepted in pants or dresses. Consider trying a skirt on for size.


6. Why do so many feminists act like sluts and try to emulate the worst traits of men?

This one needs a hat tip to Amanda’s post here.

Newsflash: Lots of women like sex! Maybe even your mom. Get over it. Most people in this world have a glorious ability to be aroused by another body and play with those feelings together. Why wouldn’t we want to act on that ability. And some women have sex with lots of people because they can. It’s been my own experience that men rarely say “no,” so my stats are high because they can be. As I said in the comments at Pandagon, “When I’m 80, I’ll be sitting in my rocking chair giggling at my exploits.”

The perceived downfall of this reality, for men, is that if women are experienced, then they might be comparing you to your predecessors. And if you’re not up to par, they might move on. And, it’s true; some might. Others are willing to tolerate less than stellar sex if it comes with great conversation, a devotion to kids, or some other wonderful trait.

But a woman’s knowledge of the world out there should be seen as a good thing for men. If a woman wants you around because she doesn’t know any differently, then it says nothing about you. But if a woman has experience, and still wants you, it means you must be something special. And really, it doesn’t take that much to be good in bed. All you have to do to be impressive is make an effort to give as well as receive. Stay awake and pay attention. That’s pretty much it.


7. Just tell me one thing: What do women want?

The problem with this question is that it lumps half the population into one uniform group. Turn it around to see how bizarre the question really is: What do men want? It’s so confusing. Some like sports and others hate it. Some shave and others grow bears. Some like romantic dinners, others prefer fishing… Why can’t all these men get together and figure out what they want so we can know how to approach them and deal with them?

If you want to know what a woman wants, ask her.


8. Why can’t feminists lighten-up already?

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? One, dammit, and it’s not funny!

The part of the movie Borat I laughed the hardest at was his interview with the group of feminists: “I can’t understand anything this ugly man is saying to me.” Stereotypes come from somewhere, and I know many feminists who really are pretty humourless. I think it’s the same affliction that hits some very religious people and some academics scaling the ladder to the top. They feel they have to be on their toes constantly monitoring and judging their own behaviour, and they often end up judging everyone else’s behaviour too. If you’re constantly second-guessing what’s acceptable to laugh at, you can end up losing the humour in anything.

I laugh at the three stooges, which, apparently, is beneath me intellectually. I have a raunchy sense of humour which is just plain wrong to some church-goers. And I laugh when people make fun of women… and men… and pretty much anyone, which earns me some scowls from women working to change the world. I was raised on Benny Hill, and, no, I don’t find a goofy man chasing after bikini-clad women to be inherently sexist. I talk all about objectification here, but basically I’m not offended by the idea of looking at one another’s bodies in an erotically-charged way (so long as everyone feels safe, that is). Sometimes I don’t want you to care about my mind so much. But that’s just me. Don’t assume all feminists feel that way!

Also, when you’re immersed in issues that are real and so sad and scary, like many feminists are on a regular basis, it can be hard to laugh it all off. Bad stuff is going on out there, right this minute. How can we enjoy ourselves when so many are suffering?

Personally, I need to laugh to keep working. I need the release to keep myself energized to keep looking at the abuses in this world. And I don’t discriminate in my choice of targets. Humour is often based on stereotypes. Satirizing stereotypes is a good first step towards acknowledging them and changing them. There needs to be a grain of truth in the joke or else it wouldn’t be funny.

I laugh at lots of stupid portrayals of women in sitcoms. But I don’t laugh at anything to do with sexual abuse. That hurts me. It hits too close to home for me. And I’m annoyed with the too-common dynamic of the idiotic husband being cared for by nagging wife (Family Guy, Simpsons, Everyone Loves Raymond, Flintstones, Honeymooners….). Hey, sit-com guys, get a brain into ya already! But I know myself enough to know I need to take breaks and immerse myself in silly once in a while.

***

I’m writing this today, on the 98th observation of International Woman’s Day, because I love women, and because I love men. We can only move forward if we can somehow be understood by one another. I hope this helps.