Apology for an Evening

I'm just drained today from a weekend that included hosting my boy's birthday party, arguing with slimeball framers charging three times their initial estimate, and coping with my poor cat who's having surgery today. So I decided to spend Saturday night with neighbours, drinking beer in front of a fire. Sounds good, right? Ha! These are good people but so frustrating to argue with. My guy tells me to stop arguing with them, just nod and smile. I'm not very good at that. That evening sucked away even more energy from me.

As usual, the men and women split down the middle into small groups. I should leave as soon as that happens, or move over to the "man side" of the fire. I'm always annoyed by self-segregation. We ladies got on the topic of the abstinence posters I recently perused at the local middle school. One parent thinks it's a great idea to get students talking about problems with having sex so young. I buy that. But what about the stereotypes being perpetuated: Guys are all sex maniacs. Girls aren't really physically interested in sex, they just use it to snag a guy. It's the girl's job to control how far sex goes. All sex leads to STIs, AIDS, or pregnancy. No sex is safe sex (i.e. all sex is intercourse), et cetera.

The women looked at me incredulously. "At that age, guys are all sex maniacs, and girls are the gate-keepers. That's the way it is! Why don't you understand that?"

I countered, "There's a huge variance in libido for each sex at every age. You can't really believe all guys and all girls fit this stereotype. There's lots of guys who really aren't all that interested, even as teenagers. I knew guys who weren't into it so much."

"Any teenage guy that says 'no' to a girl is obviously gay. The guys you knew must have been in the closet."

"I know them still, and they're not gay. I dated a guy for ten years, starting in our teens, who's happily married now. He liked having sex with me, but only every other month or so. Some guys just have don't have much of a sex drive. Other guys find sex an emotional experience and only want to have sex when they really feel something for someone. And since "man as sex maniac" is presented as the norm, guys who might not really be into it that minute might pretend to be in order to appear normal to others and to themselves. It doesn't mean they're actually gay. And the worst part of this stereotype-fulfillment process, is that some guys are having sex they don't want. Nobody should be doing that."

This explanation was met with much eyerolling from the ladies. "Those guys you know? They're still in the closet. They might never come out. Guys who get married can still be gay. I hate to break it to you, but if your boyfriend didn't want to have sex with you as a teenager, he was gay. And he still is, married or not."

"So, every guy I've dated as a teen was gay since they wanted sex less than I did?? And even now, my guy often says 'no'; I lose out to Lost. But he's not a teenager anymore, so I guess he's not necessarily gay according to your argument. Once they're past the teens, they can lose interest in sex with women whenever it's offered, yet still be heterosexual. Is that it?"

One woman concedes, "Well, maybe those guys weren't gay. Maybe it's just that you're a nympho!" Laughter ensues.

End of discussion. How can I argue with them when they've bought into the stereotypes hook, line, and sinker. It's so frustrating!

But I got somewhere with them, sort of. There was a bit of movement. Women can have a stronger sex drive than men, but only if they have a psychological condition. The irony is that one of the ladies arguing with me often complains that her husband has no interest in sex with her. But, again, it's because he's old. She's setting her sights on a younger man like that will solve her problems. As for teenaged guys who turned me down, it had to be because they prefer men, or because I have unrealistic needs. So my old boyfriends are not necessarily closeted, they might just be heterosexual guys trying to cope with an abnormally oversexed girl. Lovely.

There was also some discussion about being able to tell if a guy's gay because he's got some effeminate qualities about him, but I was too drunk by then to jump all over that one coherently (or to sufficiently remember the claim here).

But this isn't the evening I want to apologize for.

Some people, female and male, see sex as an emotional or spiritual experience that should only happen within the context of a loving, monogamous relationship. Some guys want to save themselves for the right person too (and sometimes it's actually the right woman they're holding out for). I've had some very emotional sexual encounters, but I also view sex as a delightful contact sport; what better way to fritter away an afternoon, or an evening. That's traditionally seen as a male perception of sex. I don't see why they should have all the fun! And I don't believe I've got a sexual disorder or am even far from normal for enjoying sex as a physically pleasurable experience.

Throughout the discussion with my neighbours, in the back of my head I was thinking of a guy I dated briefly in grade 12, Chris. He was a strapping football player. He had just ended a year-long relationship with some girl I didn't know. We went to a few parties together and made out here and there. Then one night, I suggested a night-time walk in the park with a liquid picnic.

We sat on the grass, drinking and talking. We started making out, and I started to undo his jeans. He stopped me, and I laughed. "What's wrong? What are you, gay?" He shook his head no, and we continued making out. I got rid of some of my clothes, and I kept at his pants, and he kept pushing my hand away. I kept laughing at this little game. He was toying with me lying under me on the grass in the dark. I brought out the big guns: I went down on him. When I got him hard enough, I straddled him. It was quick sex after all that "foreplay." But afterwards, he just wanted to leave. It was weird how he wouldn't look at me. He didn't even kiss me good-bye at the end of the night. What a jerk!

I'm not a horrible person, but I sure have done some horrible things.

No means no, and I didn't listen.

I was uncomfortable and embarrassed about the night, so I did what any reasonable teenager would do. I decided to completely ignore him. It was easy, because he didn't call me any more. The aggressor ignores while the victim avoids and the dynamic plays itself out over and over ad infinitum.

You can see now that I have a vested interest in these abstinence posters and the lessons they're teaching 12-year-old boys and girls. I'm taking them on as a personal crusade in order to assuage my own guilt for getting sucked into the same belief systems. It's a belief system that says if a guy says no, either he's teasing or he's gay... or I'm really unattractive, because every teenaged het. guy wants sex all the time with any woman they can get their hands on. If a guy says "no" then there's either something wrong with him or with me. And I determined to convince us both that the problem's with him.

I don't buy into it any more, of course, but the damage was done. Now it's clear to me that desire is a very complex thing in men and women, that it can change dramatically over the course of time, throughout the day, monthly, or over years, and that our desire isn't always contingent on the object of our affection. Since there have been times I felt no sexual desire for my guy even when he looked stunning to me, I no longer see a "no" as a reflection of my appearance or perceived sexiness, so I no longer feel a need to attack it. But I needed to be with someone with a stronger libido than I have in order to discover this, in order to get to a point where I'm the one spurning advances.

I didn't share the story of Chris with my neighbours because I'm sure they'd write-off the scenario as an anomaly too easily explained. Chris is obviously gay, or I'm obviously disturbed. End of analysis. That last one might not be far from the mark, but I'm writing this here because I don't think it's an anomalous experience unique to Chris and me.

We've all been caused pain that we each have to find ways to cope with. You can't live too long without experiencing some kind of hurt. But all of us also cause pain. And causing pain for others can hurt us too, those of us with a conscience, when it becomes a weight we carry around with us for years. Nothing helps relieve suffering better than an apology.

Chris felt pressured to have sex with me even though he didn't want to. I've written previously about the difference between pressure and force. He was a really big guy. He could have physically stopped me. But I manipulated him with carefully chosen words as weapons in a homophobic time and place. He had to prove himself. Well, he didn't have to, but he wasn't strong enough at 17 not to. And, at 17, I was a force to be reckoned with in my own right. I knew how to use my power with words to get what I wanted out of life.

Strength to stand up to social pressure can be difficult to come by. But lacking this strength rarely puts the full responsibility of an action on the back of the manipulator. Even a small child who is cruel to an animal to stop the taunts of peers must take responsibility for the act of torture, but I'd be on those others kids too. Feeling pressure to act doesn't absolve us of the action, but people who use pressure on others have to take responsibility for their behaviour as well. People like me.

A few years later, I bumped into Chris again at a crowded house party. Our eyes met for a second, then he averted his gaze and winded his way out of the room. He was still avoiding me. I caught up and followed him right into the bathroom. Turn the sexes around on this one a minute, and think about what he must have been feeling having me trail him into a private place. I wouldn't have been there without a few drink giving me courage. And I might not have cared if I hadn't have lived through my own rape experience and had a couple years of counseling under my belt to go with it.

I shut the door behind us and blurted out, very fast, "Listen, I know you're avoiding me, and I don't blame you. But I just really want to tell you I'm sorry I was such a loser in high school."

"You were a loser?"

"Ya. I was a real loser. That night in the park? I know I did more than you wanted to do. I was just being a total idiot. I'm so sorry."

"I thought it was all me - that there was something wrong with me for not being into it with you." He looked sad, maybe even close to tears.

"Ya, anyway, sorry about that. See ya!" I waved and left him in peace. I had just enough courage to speak, not enough to give him any comfort for god's sake, so I beelined it outta there!

I saw his picture in the paper when he got married a while later. I don't know his story, but I suspect I was his first. As a teen, he had dated one girl for a year, so I assumed he was having sex. I thought everyone was having sex! But I think I was wrong. He wasn't special to me or me him; we were just playing. And I might have ruined his plans for someone who was special. For that, I am truly sorry. For making him believe that his lack of desire for me that night implied a lack of desire for women in general, I am truly sorry. And for laughing at the big football player pushing my hands away, I am truly sorry. I couldn't hear him saying "no" with all those pre-programmed beliefs, about guys and sex and desire, cheering me on from the bleachers.

These stereotypes of human sexuality perpetuated in the abstinence posters I saw can cause people real harm in their relationships. Heterosexual teenaged boys who don't want to have sex with every girl they see need to know that's a normal way to be. And girls who really like sex and can't wait to try it out, also need to know they're normal. It goes without saying, for me anyway, that guys and girls interested in their own sex also need to know they're normal. It's funny that this last one is more accepted by the mainstream, well, by my neighbours, than the first two. And all teenagers need to know that they can enjoy their sexual feelings without having penetrative sex. There's a wide variety of things two people can do together or one person can do alone if waiting for the right person is important.

The women in my neighbourhood are all too brainwashed by narrowly defined norms of behaviour to see beyond them even when these artificially created ideas of men and women are harming their own relationships. I'm not done trying to get through to them, but I might be better off arguing one on one. They really pounce on me in a group. But I'm also left to wonder if this belief system offers them anything. Perhaps believing that guys want it and girls have to stop them, maintains their own innocence in the whole thing. And because I'm a willing aggressor, I've renounced my innocence; I've entered the dark side (and the DSM-III). Something like that.

Persephone's Box: working to improve sexual health since 2006.